Can’t do it

For the second time in my life, I couldn’t turn off my feelings toward someone. I can’t believe I still like him…. -sigh-. And Shaquiel is annoying! If I never skipped my last period, I wouldn’t have bumped into him. Gawsh man. Its like if hes determined to talk to me! First I’m helping him with his issues and all of a sudden hes constantly hitting on me. And he keeps cutting into Key time! I tried my best to piss him off, which I did. TWICE. Enough so that he would stop talking to me. And what the heck does he do?! Text me exactly when I start talking to Key. And he had the nerve to tell me to get off the phone and talk to him. Like if I would! And the worst part is that he would keep on texting me until I answer. Oh, by the way, I purposefully pissed Key off. call me sick, but the fact that he said that I could never hurt him kinda bothered me so I went for the next best thing. I started pissing him off. Gtl. Idk y. I guess I just… idk…. wanted to get him mad b4 he has the power to make me mad. gtl. Oh, and now its official. When I hear “Mad” by ne-yo I always think of him. idk y. and my bday is comming up. woopie. I dont feel like growing up right now. Gonna b 17. sigh. and im still 4 11! my gawsh. so pathetic. I honest to God dont want to like Key. I really dont. but hes like a damn magnet. its like im forced to like him against my will. lmbo. Ive been trying to break out of this hold but so far, ive just got myself caught up even more. okay, thats bad. really bad. and my mother is trying to keep a tight leash on me. like if she doesnt want me to “leave her” and “change into someone else”. I wont. I’m not that type of person. She’s kinda suffocating me. And back to Shaquiel. I am trying my best to make him stop liking him but hes so immune to all of my tricks. Not cool. the more im mean, the more he talks. the more im nice, he talks even more. its so stupid. why wont he leave me alone? hes changed since the last time ive talked to him….. if he acted like he did in elementary, im srry but key wouldnt have a fighting chance. he was so kool back then. now hes just….. sigh. idk. he doesn’t give up!

I do it to myself

Well, I am doing it to myself. I am doing the one thing that I know how to do properly. I am forcing myself to stop liking Key and there’s nothing I could do about it. Its like a reflex that I cant break once I really start liking someone. And I am making him not like me anymore on purpose. Why? IDK. I just cannot allow him to get under my skin any longer. I started to show him the most vulnerable part of me and lucky me, at that time, he wasnt paying attention. Which was when I snapped out of it and shut myself down. So oh well, I cant reverse it. I started talking about mad boys around him just to get him annoyed (and he didn’t). -sigh- I guess that I’m just going to stop calling and hell just do the rest. I am actually sad that I’m doing this but I TRUELY cannot help myself. Its like I’m not allowing myself to be happy with one person for a long time. And its a shame because he was my release from my own life. That happy spot in dim light. =-( . And now I am actually considering taking Shaquiel up on his offer just to get the experience. gtl. (not really, I can only imagine Key doing that). But anyway, I forced Sam to stop liking me already. (yeay) gtl. wow, my heartlessness is showing.  No one deserves to be with a person like me. I have WAY to many problems. I’m actually admitting that now. And I was thinking about it and yes, I do play games. Why? The philosophy that I have learned stuck with me in a way that I cannot rub off. LEAVE THEM BEFORE THEY LEAVE ME. Its happened so many times that I automatically start to emotionally leave someone once I start liking them to much. People always leave me. ALWAYS.  No matter who they are, or how many times they promise they wont, but they always leave. So what do I do now? I leave them first. Which is what Im doing to Key and in the process, hurting myself. And I’m surprised that I’m hurting bad. But hey, at least I know that I can’t hurt Key so I guess that’s the only good thing out of this. Wow, that didn’t even make me feel better. I dont think anybody can break this habbit. No matter how much I want them to. Dissapointment is darkning my day. I’m not going to talk to anybody today. Happy New Year guys. Hope your having a better one than mine.

Christmas

Christmas is almost here and I end up freaken sick. -sigh- But I have good news. 1) I got everything I wanted 4 Christmas and my birthday! 2) I’m going to be able to see my dad! 3) C.A and I are talking again ( i know i said i didnt care but… idk… hez jus a reali nice friend). Now for  the bad news 1) have loads of work to do 2) wont see my dad 4 my bday and until spring-sigh- 3)still sick.

Also, I have found a new song that I feel inlove with. Every time I hear this song I think about key which is so rediculous considering we aren’t even mad at each other. “Mad” by Ne-Yo. I am also inlove with “Fall for you”, and “Light on”. I cannot remember who they are by yet. Neopets are awesum! -giggles- oh, and Lawrence is freaken crazy. He kept on lifting me up today like if I weigh nothing! And Tashawn also lifted me up..-weird-And its even weirder how I find myself slightly attracked to Sherick.-the boi kool dude- idk y. Okay, I kind of do. He keeps reminding me of Key. I need to stop thinking of him 4real. And Samuel is crazy!-he’s sum guy on the internet- MERRY CHRISTMAS TO ALL!!!

Blink Blink

Okay, I find it interesting that people whom I am mad at feel they should talk to me even when knowing I am upset with them. 2 girls, 1 boy, and a teacher. All of whom feel the need to further cement my rage toward them by comming up to my face dispite the fact that I already told or warned them of my indifference toward them. Stupid brave idiots. I will not call Key this week. He now has my number and if he doesn’t call, oh well. -smile- Also, I kind of don’t know why I was sad today. I really should be happy because its snowing and I’m eating twizlers(my happy candy) but something is bothering me. I don’t know what. C.A and I are officially not talking and you know what? I don’t care. At all. Which shows me that even though he might of understood me, he didn’t actually know me. Hmm. Samuel is an interesting person to talk to, but I feel as though I’m using him… Why? Because everytime I don’t talk to Key, I talk to him. Interesting. What is it with Key man?! I don’t understand these feelings at all. It’s confusing me. And you want to know something that scares me the most? Not only can I not successfully put him out of my mind, I want, no, crave a hug from him. -shudder- scary. I will hurt my sister if she doesn’t stop bothering me. I swear.

Words can make a difference

Well, small words can make a difference in how you view someone and how you feel toward them. “I was really looking forward to it…” Hmmm. Interesting. Said in a way that was genuine or just something to fill the empty conversation? Well, I hope it was the first because it put a smile on my face. It also puts a smile to my face when  I start thinking about it because I had a pretty much pissy day. Not going to get into it. But oh well, I wonder how many times you could call someone before they get annoyed….

Help

I would like to start a new page on my own. Any suggestions?…. Um, I also have another problem. What if you stop liking someone you really want to like? (giggles). I mean, you know you like them but your not allowing yourself to fully like them?

Okay, there has been a change

So yesterdays comments were retarded. There would be a key. I just only suffered from karma and alittle bit of the green monster. (giggles) so neway, I’m still going to go to the movies. Aslo, my average went up from a 83 to a 91! oh ma freaken gawsh. I was so happy. . Um, how do you behave on a first date?

Oh well

Yea, so I’m sorry for the false hopes guys. Key is a undercover jerk. (giggles) Past experiences have taught me that when a boy flirts with your best friend, theres going to be a problem. He could have been joking but I was burned already with that road. Oh well, kinda hurt in the beginning. Was about to hang up but now I dont feel anything. Really hoped he was different. Oh wells. NO movies. NO Key. NO C.A. (kinda sad about that) And the worst part is, and I don’t know why, but I almost feel like if I’m gonna cry because of the disappointment. Oh well. you live and you learn. You might say that I’m judging to fast but right now, I’m just protecting my heart. Smh. Okay, it kinda hurts righting this so Ill blog 2morrow hopefully on a happier note.

Its snowing!

Yeay! It’s snowing now! That means its going to snow on my birthday! (I really hope). So anyway, I’m so happy because I’m getting more views and comments. Really appreciate it! So Im trying to type this fast because my mother wants to be a female dog and making me clean the whole dang house before we go to church. So yes, I would like to set up a new page and create a domain. Mind you, I have no idea how to do it but advice would help! . In other news, C.A and I aren’t talking which, for the first time in four years, doesn’t bother me. He’s a grown man (20) so I’m done with tellling him when he’s making a mistake. Oh, and the girl that I thought was still my best friend isn’t. I realized how much I hate talking to her now. She kinda gets me sick because she’s trying to be a female pimp which I loathe. Talking about loathe, I found out that I am kind of what I loathe in other people. I am just a needy person sometimes. Like, I need attention, but I wouldn’t tell you. Hence, I would get mad at you if I don’t get attention but I wouldn’t throw a hissy fit. I would laugh it off. Talking about laughing (gtl)(giggles) I realize I laugh for alot of different reasons. Would get onto that later. Have a video to show you guys, its funny
 

Watch this Japanese illusionist/street magician at work. Apparently he’s a young guy who disguises himself as an elderly man.  But he’s incredible – I don’t know how he does the lean but, wait until the end, you’ve never seen anything like it!!

http://images2.jokaroo.net/videos/grandpajapan.wmv

Dreams drama dreams

Welp, (yea i know i have a habit of starting with it) I’ve been having so many damn dreams about Key and drama with C.A. Okay, when I talk to C.A I am now walking on egg shells. I DO NOT DO LONG DISTANCE RELATIONSHIPS!! I don’t think he gets that. Dude wants me to be his “gurl” but seems to forget that he lives in florida and i live in nyc…. ug. smh. on top of that, i realized that my ex-best friend is actualli infact still my sort of best friend. hmmm. interesting. and Key…well….idk about him still. My feelings got unlocked so i still like the idiot. and bloomberg must be OUT OF HIS MIND!!! I used to think he was a good mayor, but what hes trying to do now is so retarded that its not worth mentioning. To sumerize this, basically he wants the poor to get poorer. sigh. when will this end?! and Key needs to GET OUT OF MA HEAD!!