Can’t do it

For the second time in my life, I couldn’t turn off my feelings toward someone. I can’t believe I still like him…. -sigh-. And Shaquiel is annoying! If I never skipped my last period, I wouldn’t have bumped into him. Gawsh man. Its like if hes determined to talk to me! First I’m helping him with his issues and all of a sudden hes constantly hitting on me. And he keeps cutting into Key time! I tried my best to piss him off, which I did. TWICE. Enough so that he would stop talking to me. And what the heck does he do?! Text me exactly when I start talking to Key. And he had the nerve to tell me to get off the phone and talk to him. Like if I would! And the worst part is that he would keep on texting me until I answer. Oh, by the way, I purposefully pissed Key off. call me sick, but the fact that he said that I could never hurt him kinda bothered me so I went for the next best thing. I started pissing him off. Gtl. Idk y. I guess I just… idk…. wanted to get him mad b4 he has the power to make me mad. gtl. Oh, and now its official. When I hear “Mad” by ne-yo I always think of him. idk y. and my bday is comming up. woopie. I dont feel like growing up right now. Gonna b 17. sigh. and im still 4 11! my gawsh. so pathetic. I honest to God dont want to like Key. I really dont. but hes like a damn magnet. its like im forced to like him against my will. lmbo. Ive been trying to break out of this hold but so far, ive just got myself caught up even more. okay, thats bad. really bad. and my mother is trying to keep a tight leash on me. like if she doesnt want me to “leave her” and “change into someone else”. I wont. I’m not that type of person. She’s kinda suffocating me. And back to Shaquiel. I am trying my best to make him stop liking him but hes so immune to all of my tricks. Not cool. the more im mean, the more he talks. the more im nice, he talks even more. its so stupid. why wont he leave me alone? hes changed since the last time ive talked to him….. if he acted like he did in elementary, im srry but key wouldnt have a fighting chance. he was so kool back then. now hes just….. sigh. idk. he doesn’t give up!

I do it to myself

Well, I am doing it to myself. I am doing the one thing that I know how to do properly. I am forcing myself to stop liking Key and there’s nothing I could do about it. Its like a reflex that I cant break once I really start liking someone. And I am making him not like me anymore on purpose. Why? IDK. I just cannot allow him to get under my skin any longer. I started to show him the most vulnerable part of me and lucky me, at that time, he wasnt paying attention. Which was when I snapped out of it and shut myself down. So oh well, I cant reverse it. I started talking about mad boys around him just to get him annoyed (and he didn’t). -sigh- I guess that I’m just going to stop calling and hell just do the rest. I am actually sad that I’m doing this but I TRUELY cannot help myself. Its like I’m not allowing myself to be happy with one person for a long time. And its a shame because he was my release from my own life. That happy spot in dim light. =-( . And now I am actually considering taking Shaquiel up on his offer just to get the experience. gtl. (not really, I can only imagine Key doing that). But anyway, I forced Sam to stop liking me already. (yeay) gtl. wow, my heartlessness is showing.  No one deserves to be with a person like me. I have WAY to many problems. I’m actually admitting that now. And I was thinking about it and yes, I do play games. Why? The philosophy that I have learned stuck with me in a way that I cannot rub off. LEAVE THEM BEFORE THEY LEAVE ME. Its happened so many times that I automatically start to emotionally leave someone once I start liking them to much. People always leave me. ALWAYS.  No matter who they are, or how many times they promise they wont, but they always leave. So what do I do now? I leave them first. Which is what Im doing to Key and in the process, hurting myself. And I’m surprised that I’m hurting bad. But hey, at least I know that I can’t hurt Key so I guess that’s the only good thing out of this. Wow, that didn’t even make me feel better. I dont think anybody can break this habbit. No matter how much I want them to. Dissapointment is darkning my day. I’m not going to talk to anybody today. Happy New Year guys. Hope your having a better one than mine.